Saturday, March 21, 2015

Cleaning Is Just Hiding Things In Less Obvious Places

Cleaning is not one of my favorite pastimes. Throughout my life I have employed many tactics in order to avoid having to actually do any cleaning. 

The first option is to cajole some poor unsuspecting soul to do it for you. This tactic is my personal favorite as it requires minimum effort (on my part) and can be highly effective (depending on the person that you've coaxed into helping you). Unfortunately it requires having people around to help you and as I happen to live alone, is not a viable option.

Willful ignorance is another option. This can be fun for the first week or so where you pretend that sidestepping piles of dirty laundry is a great way to get in a quick morning workout. If you can tolerate the inevitable weird smells that come from occasionally forgetting to take out your garbage and rarely washing your dishes than this method is just right for you.

I don't particularly enjoy digging through mountains of questionably clean clothes in order to get dressed in the morning and I only have so many dishes. While this is great for some people, it never quite worked out for me.

My last resort is to simply "pretend" to clean. The trick here is to learn how to hide things in less obvious places so that it appears like you're a functioning adult that knows how to take care of themselves. This involves taking everything that you don't want people to see, and shoving into a closet or under your bed. 

If you want to get really fancy, spray some air freshener around your place so that it smells like a pine forest (or some other extremely natural scent that no one will ever guess came out of a can). If that doesn't impress your friends, I don't know what will!

On an unrelated note, I would advise against opening any cabinets in my apartment. Partly for your own safety and partly because having to explain how you ended up being immobilized under a pile of clothing and other assorted items to an EMT might get a little awkward. 

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