Thursday, July 23, 2015

Unintentional Controversy

In my last post I told a haphazard tale about an incident that had happened while I was back at university taking exams. After uploading the post to my blog I discovered that I might have gotten some of my facts mixed up.

The blog post in question caused quite a bit of controversy amongst certain family members. In an effort to better understand what really happened, I asked for anyone with information on the subject to step forward and share what they knew.

Here are some of the interviews that took place:

The Crazy Lady-
Me: Good evening, thank you for taking the time to sit with me.
T.C.L: My pleasure.
Me: Can you tell me what you remember from the incident?
T.C.L: I was not in the kitchen when the incident occurred. However, I know that when I looked for the packets I could not find them and I was told that Z had taken them.
Me: Who told you that Z had taken them?
T.C.L: I belive it was Frank. When I confronted Lori (Z's wife) about it she informed me that Z had taken the packets and handed them to her to put in her purse when they left the house. I think I said "Oh" in response and several days later, Lori (unbeknownst to Z) returned the sauce to our house.
Me: Can you clarify what was in the packets?
T.C.L: Yes, they were sweet and sour sauce. They came with a package of egg-rolls that I bought.
Me: Did you eat them?
T.C.L: They are currently residing in a secret place in the household.
ME: Why are they hiding? Do you feel that you have any trauma from the incident?
T.C.L: I have not been traumatized by the incident. To tell you the truth, I prefer duck sauce.
Me: Thank you for your time.

Frank-
Me:Can you tell me where you were when the incident occurred?
Frank: I was in the kitchen with Z.
Me: Do you remember what happened?
Frank: If I remember correctly I was in the kitchen and Z came up to me and asked "What's with the sweet and sour sauce?", I said "I dunno man... My mom is probably saving them for something.". Z said "Oh I'll take them" and I thought he was kidding. I laughed because I thought he was kidding but when they left, the packets were gone.
Me: I see, how has this affected the way that you feel about your brother in-law?
Frank: Z is a nincompoop. He stole the packets. He's a klepto.

Lori (Z's wife)-
Me: Thank you for stepping forward to share your side of the story.
Lori: I'm glad to be able to set the record straight. I apologize for the injustice perpetuated against my own family by my own family. It was a sticky situation.
Me: I have a witness that claims that they heard Z say "Here, take these. Stick them in your bag" and that you complied which makes you an accomplice to the crime.
Lori: I didn't know what I was doing! I asked him where they came from and he was all, "I dunno".
Me: So you were unknowingly an accomplice. When did you realize what was really going on?
Lori: Four days later mommy asked me about the packets and I began to piece things together. I said to myself  "My husband is a klepto!" and I brought them back the next day.
Me: That was very considerate of you, returning the packets.
Lori: I put them back on the counter where they'd started. And when Z walked in from work he noticed them and was like "Hey, Lori, they have more of them!" and I pulled him out of the kitchen.

Z (the alleged duck sauce sweet and sour sauce thief)-
Me: A lot of accusations have been made against you. I would like to hear your side of the story, perhaps we can clear some things up.
Z: I'm happy to share my side of the story. I have nothing to hide.
Me: OK. Let's start off with some of the basics.
Z: I'm not sure why everyone thinks I don't like duck sauce. There wasn't even duck sauce in the packets, it was sweet and sour sauce.
Me: Yes, other witnesses have stepped forward and corrected me. And anyways, Lori told me that you don't like duck sauce.
Z: Lori doesn't like duck sauce. She has no idea if I like it or not because she doesn't even cook with it. There is a lot of misinformation going on here and a lot of slander. I maintain my innocence.
Me: You're right, there is a lot of misinformation. Why don't you tell me why you took the sweet and sour sauce?
Z: Well if everyone is so wrong about me liking duck sauce I think the rest of your story might not be true either. That's logic. And why do I need reasons for anything that I do?
Me: It sounds like your trying to avoid the question....
Z: I'm not on trial. You're the one who is slandering me on your blog.
Me: You're the one that stole the sweet and sour sauce!
Z: Me? Maybe I wanted chinese food with sweet and sour sauce. No one ever considers that.
Me: But it still wasn't yours to take... So the question still remains, why did you take the sauce?
Z: They gave it to me. And then claimed I stole it. Indian givers!
Me: So you deny stealing the sauce?
Z: Sure. Take their side of the story at face value...
Me: I hear your side of the story but I'm a little skeptical. I will take this new information into consideration.

After hearing all sides of the story I'm willing to admit that my original post may have had some inaccuracies.

For instance, the packets in question appear to have contained sweet and sour sauce and not duck sauce.

A minor detail in my humble opinion.

In other news, an anonymous survey has shown that my detective skills are what they call "fairly inadequate".

My colleagues described my techniques as "erratic" and "overall underwhelming".

If you have any mysteries that need solving, I am now available for hire.
Feel free to email me at: themoderatelyadequatedetective@gmail.com .

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

The Duck Sauce Thief

A couple of days ago I was standing in the kitchen with one of my brothers and my mom. My mom was making some kind of chicken and mentioned that it would go well with duck sauce. My brother made some joke about Z and the disappearing sauce which I thought was kind of strange because as far as I could recall, Z doesn't like duck sauce.

Over the next few days I kept catching little snippets of conversations involving Z and the disappearing duck sauce. My curiosity finally got the best of me and I asked "What's with Z and the duck sauce?!" to which my family replied with a fairly entertaining story...

Apparently a few weeks ago my mother decided to make chinese style food for shabbos. In preparation for the feast my family had procured a couple of packets of duck sauce to have with the meal. The packets of duck sauce sat on display as my family waited in anticipation for the delicious Friday night meal.

The fateful day finally arrived. Emotions ran high as my mother and some of my siblings prepared the feast. In the chaos, they lost sight of the duck sauce packets,

When the time came for everyone to sit down for the meal, they went to get the duck sauce only to find that the packets were gone. Panic broke out as my family members began to search for the missing packets. There was no luck and they were forced to admit defeat. There would be no duck sauce with their chinese food.

A few days after the chinese dinner fiasco, the missing duck sauce packets mysteriously reappeared.

It was later revealed that Z was the duck sauce packet thief.

Apparently he saw the duck sauce packets sitting out on the counter and decided that despite the fact that he didn't particularly like duck sauce, he should take them home. He stuck them into his pocket, unobserved, and made off with his bounty.

Lori later found the packets at her house and asked where and why on earth there were a bunch of duck sauce packets on her counter. Z explained that he had taken them from our house. He claims that we don't eat duck sauce but admits that he doesn't eat it either. His motives remain unclear.

Now might be a good time to point out that this is not the first time that he's taken things from our house without our knowledge. On more than one occasion he has absconded with boxes of our tea. Who know what else he may have taken?

I am forced to admit that he may have a problem.

Perhaps it is time to stage an intervention...

Disclaimer:
I was not present when these events occurred.
Some facts may be inaccurate, embellished or entirely fabricated.
we appreciate your understanding.
Sincerely,
The Management 

Sunday, July 19, 2015

A Poem

I found this poem that I wrote in 8th grade while I was clearing old notebooks off of my shelf. I'm pretty sure that the poem was supposed to be about a story that we had read in class (which presumably had nothing to do with feet) but I like my version better.

Looking back, I'm not surprised that my English teacher didn't like me.

My Foots:
My foot is blue and red and yellow,
my foot it also likes to bellow.
My other foot is quite so weird
because you see, it has a beard.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Accidental Racism And The War On Ants

You may remember from earlier posts that my apartment has a tendency to attract ants and some other creepy crawlies. I waged war against the ants and for a while, they stayed away.

Last week I realized that I had a few days between exams and decided to take advantage of the situation to go home and hang out with my family. Before leaving Ariel, I cleaned up my apartment and made sure not to leave anything remotely food related lying about.

Things in The Sun House was pretty much the same as they had been the last time I was home. I played some Xbox with my bros, ate lots of food (mainly ice cream) and just generally tried to avoid studying. It was a great mini-vacation but unfortunately, like all good things, it was forced to come to an end.

Back in Ariel, unbeknownst to me, a truce had been broken.

After a lengthy journey I arrived at my apartment only to find chaos. I looked down at the floor and saw an army of ants marching across the floor. My first instinct was to panic. The second was to throw the nearest object, which happened to be a rather heavy book that I had left on top of my microwave.

The book landed on the floor with a satisfying THUD and caused the oncoming ants to scatter. I took a moment to asses the situation and determined that I was to tired to deal with it. I cleaned up as many ants as I could and went to sleep.

I spent the next day waging war on the ants and trying to ward off their retaliations. Amongst the chaos I forgot to set my alarm before going to bed and woke up a little late for my exam this morning.

While I was rushing to get ready I found what I assumed was a cockroach in my bathroom. Far to stressed to deal with the situation I dropped a container on top of it and ran out to get to my exam on time secretly hoping that it would have suffocated by the time I got back.

The exam went alright but in the back of my mind I kept seeing the creepy crawly trapped in a container in my bathroom. On my way home from the exam I stopped and bought a bottle of spray that supposedly kills ants, cockroaches and other creepy crawlies.

I got home and saw that the roach wasn't moving around much. I poked at the container and couldn't help but notice that the roach didn't really look like a roach and that it was actually just a beetle. Feeling slightly guilty at misjudging the critter based on the color of his shell, I took him outside and set him free in the garden.

After removing the beetle I set about trying to spray my apartment with the bug killing spray that I had just bought. The instructions were a little unclear and when I tried to pull off the tab that said "pull off tab" I somehow manged to get the trigger stuck and gave my cabinet doors and wall a very generous coating of spray.

I finally got the bottle under control and got the spray into what I hope are the right places. The spray left my apartment smelling delightful but a tad suffocating so I opened all the windows and escaped to the gym for a few hours.

So far its been about ten hours and I see no signs of ants. Today has been quite stressful and traumatic but I feel like I handled things pretty well and learned some important lessons.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

A Lesson In Vocabulary

Study (verb)
Pronunciation: Pro-cras-ti-nate
Definition: devote time and attention to avoiding acquiring knowledge on an academic subject, especially by means of watching TV.
"She watched an entire season of a new show the night before her big exam"
Synonyms: to delay, avoid, postpone.