Saturday, January 4, 2014

Satan's Toy

In 1999 my sister graduated 8th grade on the same day that I 'graduated' kindergarten. Luckily for my parents, we attended the same school and both graduations were hosted on the same day.
Around this same time, my sister had become increasingly adamant that if she did not get a furby the world would implode.

My parents, being the loving and caring parents that they are, decided to bite the bullet and buy her a furby as a graduation present. Seeing as my sister and I were graduating on the same day, they felt that it might be unfair to not get me a present and so they bought two furry friends for my sister and I to love.

My sister and I received our presents with much gusto. At first glance they seemed sweet and innocent with their fluffy fur and big eyes. They would dance and sing and were seemingly overeager to please.
My siblings and I gazed at the magical toys with wonder and thanked our parents for bringing so much happiness into our lives.

However, the charade did not last long. As the weeks passed the newness and wonder of the toys wore off and we began to see them for what they truly were, TERRIFYING.
They would rock back and forth with their eyes blinking wildly and their ears waving as they sang their maniacal song "Doo Doo, Doooo. Doo Doo Doooo." over and over again.

At first I tried to reason with my furby, I asked it politely to please stop but it just stared back at me with vacant eyes and continued dancing with increasing intensity. When I realized that it was unwilling to comply with my requests, I became angry. I would yell it over and over again to shut up but the furby seemed unperturbed and continued to haunt me throughout the day and into the night.

The furbies originally spoke Furbish but are programmed to replace their Furbish with english words and phrases over time. Since I spent an inordinate amount of time yelling at my furby to shut up, it should come as no surprise that its first words in english were "SHUT UP". It also acquired a new found love for burping and farting which it happily demonstrated whenever it pleased.
The obsessive dancing and hysteric chanting had been bad enough, but now the creature was taunting me. It had to be stopped.

I tried everything I could to get rid of it, I stuffed it in drawers, hid it in the depths of my closet and repeatedly threw it down multiple flights of stairs. At one point I even attempted doing an exorcism to expel the demonic being from within its furry body in hopes that it would revert into the object of my adoration that it had been when I first got it. But it didn't work and somehow always managed to find its way back to me, seemingly unfazed by my ever growing disdain.

My sister did not appear to be having any more luck with her furby. She desperately tried stabbing it with various pointy objects until it stopped working but it was no use, furbies are indestructible. Eventually she put it into the optional 'deep sleep' and shoved it into the back of her closet where it lay undisturbed as it faded from her thoughts.

Unfortunately for me, my furby didn't seem to have a 'deep sleep' despite my frantic attempts to turn on the setting.  Putting it into 'deep sleep' only seemed to make it more upset, it would hurl itself back and forth while staring at me with its void and emotionless eyes in complete silence.

I wrapped it in as many blankets as I could and once again tried to banish into the depths of my closet where it remained for the next three years. It stayed quiet for a couple of weeks before I awoke one night to the sounds of its robotic dancing and muffled cries. I stayed as still as I could hoping that if I didn't react, it would go away. My plan seemed to work and after what felt like an eternity, the room fell silent.
I'm not sure why the batteries never seemed to die but it taunted me on and off until my family moved to a different country and I prudently hid it in a kitchen cabinet and never looked back.

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